thinking out loud onscreen..

My husband wants us to put together an occult magazine and publish it through Lulu. We only need a maximum of 80 pages. Now, if I'm inspired, I could handily write 80 pages by myself, but the kicker is "if I'm inspired." I'm sitting here this morning thinking now would be the perfect time to start putting something together, but I can't get a clear idea of what to write about.

I had it in mind to write about the Naples Arrangement, because it's a fascinating concept that many people aren't aware of. However, when I did a little research on it, I came to see that it requires a much better knowledge of the Kabbalah than I have. I don't believe I could write about it knowledgeably with any credibility. So now I'm back to square one, trying to come up with something to say.

The truth is, I'm not the one with the extensive occult knowledge acquired through years of study; that would be my husband. I'm more of an "intuitive" witch; I know what feels right in my gut, and I go with it. There is either logic, or there's bullshit, and I'm pretty good at seeing through the bullshit. I've always had an ability to cut through crap and find the essence of something. I only need to know what to apply it to in this case.

Ideas flopping through my mind: a scathing renunciation of the rede and the threefold law, a treatise on why and how fearless magick is empowering, how one's personal hangups and fears inhibit the success of magick, paring down the trappings of magick to get to what's important, and other thoughts. Right now, though, I'm getting drowsy. I got up early this morning and I think I'll snuggle on the couch with my little dog for awhile.

information

A couple of nights ago we went downtown and ran into the gentleman who had invited us to his Samhain event. I'll call him Lugh. He was with his lady friend, who has had a few "words" with Diana in the past. They were very happy to see us, and we visited for quite a long time. It was nice seeing them, and knowing that things are okay between the four of us. Lugh only mentioned Diana briefly and said nothing about my "tiff" with her. I later e-mailed him to tell him my side of what had happened, because I assumed that she had regaled him with her martyred tale of woe.

Interestingly, he said that she has said almost nothing to him about it, other than that we are not speaking anymore. He knew it had something to do with this other person whom I had told them was being disloyal to us. He told me that they had a Mabon ritual at which she "severed her ties" to me and my husband. He said she was near tears and it was his impression that it made her very sad that it had come to this. So what's happened, apparently, is that her know-it-all bravado when the shit all went down has given way to remorse and regret. If she's feeling like she lost something when we stopped speaking, it explains why she made that pathetic attempt to make contact by bringing the book to my work. I expected as much.

Now, Lugh is a man of honor and I fully trust that he will not divulge anything that we've talked about. He may tell Diana that he saw us, but he won't go into detail. His lady friend is pissed off at Diana because she insulted the way she dresses and does rather treat her like she's not "good enough" to hang with Diana and her loser cohorts. Whatever. That's their issue.

I'm intrigued that she thought she needed a ritual to cleanse herself of her ties to me and my husband. I mean, I just made a decision that I wanted no more to do with her, and that was that. Pretty simple. But she can't just walk away like that. There has to be an element of drama about it. Obviously it did not work, or she wouldn't have come by my work. In her mind, returning that book was part of breaking the ties, but in reality it was keeping them alive. Had I asked for the book back? No. She should have just kept it, given it away, or thrown it out. Coming to my workplace and running the risk of seeing me (which I'm sure is what she was hoping for) is nothing more than wanting to maintain any kind of connection. The thing is, she can't "connect" to me if I won't allow it. And I feel nothing, because my energy is about what is happening to me in my life, and not about people/things that I no longer give any power over me.

So, while I focus on my husband and the challenges that we face in our lives, she continues to fret over what's over and done with. She'd do better to focus on her legal problems and get her life together, but that's none of my business I suppose. It only will be if she harasses me in any way. And believe me, I will make it my business and do something about it. So, Diana, if you're reading this, be warned and back off.

gifts

So we found out yesterday how much money the djembe and velvet bag sold for at the auction. Two bucks.

In case you haven't been reading this blog, the djembe and velvet bag were two gifts that were given to me by an ex-friend. I guess if I'm going to keep writing about her, I should give her an alias. How about Diana? So Diana gave me those things and after her betrayal and lies, I determined that I did not want them anymore. So to the auction they went. It amuses me that they brought so little, almost as if to say that is what the relationship was worth. I have since remembered a couple of other small things that she gave me, and will send them with my husband in a box to the auction as well.

What I wonder is, has she kept anything that I gave her? The one thing that meant the most to her was a tarot deck and book, the Celtic Tree Tarot, or something like that. She was thrilled beyond words when I gave it to her. I can't imagine that she would give it up after she'd been trying to find it for so long. Of course it will always remind her of me. I gave her a few other things but that is the one that I don't see her willing to part with. The only way would be if she could find another one to replace it. Then again . . . she might get rid of it just because of its connection to me. She would cut off her nose to spite her face, just to "prove" to herself that it didn't mean that much to her. For all I know, she's already given it way or donated it to a thrift store.

She's a big thrift store shopper, and, since we've been going to the auction, I'm rather surprised that it isn't one her haunts. She likes old weird shit, and the auction is full of it, and it's cheap. She either hasn't heard about it at all, or just hasn't bothered to go and see what it's about. I think it would be pretty funny to run into her there. Hell, it would be funny to run into her anywhere. I don't know that she's histrionic enough to think that I would be following her around, but it would be funny if she did. It would take two minutes to establish that my husband is a regular there, and has been for a couple of months now. She'd be proven a liar yet again!

motivations

There's nothing quite like beating a dead horse, but on the possibility that certain people might read this, it's worth continuing to rub salt in the wound. So to speak. When you come from a position of certitude, it's easy to accuse and vilify. Which I guess is why I'm back here again.

What amuses me is that until the last couple of weeks I hadn't given a particular person much thought; it was over and done with and that was how I wanted it. But - BUT - she has to come and return that goddamned book just to be a bitch. Yes, I know she was being a bitch, because she did the exact same thing with other people. I know exactly what her mindset was and what she was trying to prove. Perhaps even more so with me, since I'm the one who accused her of being a liar, to have broken a promise, and not followed through on her word. In her warped mind, returning a penny book (on Amazon) would prove -- to her-- that I was wrong, that she really is an honest person.

Now that I know she's got to show up in court in December or be arrested for contempt, I fully believe that she blames me for having cursed her. She's probably kicking herself for telling me all her dirty little secrets. She probably believes I used that knowledge to construct a curse spell on her, to get her back into court, to cause her legal problems. Just as well for me if she does think it. I'll bet she's doing protection spells on herself every day, trying to block me . . . when I haven't lifted a finger (or an athame) to send any energy her way. Other than the black thoughts I've had about what a fucked in the head kook she is.

So what am I accomplishing by continuing this tirade? I guess keeping the energy alive. Even though I haven't done a real "spell," just my disgust and resolve to not let her anywhere near me has power that I'm sure she can feel. She should feel repelled. The only reason I believe she got up the nerve to come by my work was because I haven't been actively conjuring up any self-righteous feelings about her. If she tries anything like that again, I will do something formally.

I wonder what I would do if I saw her somewhere, like in a store. Knowing her, she would come over, all stiff, and say hello -- that is her modus operandi with people she's pissed off. She pretends to be civil and "mature" by saying hello, but it's just so that she can satisfy herself that she's the better person. If she did that to me, I'd have to say something like "go away," or perhaps stronger, "get away from me." Something along those lines, though, would make her think I was afraid of her. So it needs to be dismissive. Or something to freak her out. "David says he's never met you and that you've been stalking him." That would shut her up, ha!

unleashed

As you can see by the number of blogs I've written on the subject, I am quite incensed that a certain ex-friend has made attempts to contact me when I was very clear that I wanted nothing more to do with her, period. She just can't leave it alone. I was perfectly cool with just forgetting she ever existed and not fucking with her. But the more I think about it, the madder it makes me. She should know what I'm capable of, because I gave her a few instances in which I'd hunted down every snippet of information on someone and exposed them for the worthless bums they are.

She has plenty of online infractions that have kept me quite entertained here for the last hour or so. I already knew about her criminal history and that she was on probation for burglary. Now I discover she's got a contempt of court hearing in December; apparently she was ordered to pay about $2500 to someone in a small claims case and has not done so. I'll have to check back after the hearing date and see if she showed up for the hearing - to NOT do so will result in a warrant for her arrest, and I'll get to see her ugly mug on the county sheriff's jail roster site - priceless! And, knowing how she blew off her court-ordered community service because she didn't "feel like" going, I fully expect she won't go to this hearing.

It has taken some time to find the most recent information, because she has and is using several different surnames. I have no idea how many times she's been legally married, or if these are just various aliases she's coined to stay one step ahead of the cops. I know of at least four so far. Who needs so many names unless you have something to hide?

I also remembered that she has a "thing" for a certain new age musician, and used to tell me some bullshit story about how they were lovers in a past life and are meant to be together. She has contacted him and told him this, but, as you might expect, he wants nothing to do with her. She claims he's in denial. She holds out hope that he's going to see the light, or one of her gods will go thump him on the head and he'll come looking for her. I found a Yahoo group devoted to this musician, and another website where someone accused her of being an obsessed whackjob. I am really tempted to e-mail the guy from his website and just ask him if she's been harassing him, and if he's ever encouraged her silly ideas. I doubt it. She talks about him as if they have actually had a relationship in "this" life, but that he couldn't commit. I am suspicious as to whether she's ever actually talked with him at all. I have no doubt that she has e-mailed him many times. The guy is ignoring her, probably thinking he has a kooky stalker. I think he's right.

Anyhootie, the fact that this small claims judgment has come back to haunt her is probably something she's blaming on my black magic. She was ordered to pay it in March, and the contempt hearing was scheduled in September, at the behest of the plaintiff, who doubtless wants his money. I honestly don't remember if she told me about this case or not. She was not reticent about talking about all her legal problems, but of course none of them were her fault. She never denied the burglary but never said that she regretted it, either. I really do think she's a type of sociopath.

rubbing salt in the wound

I have proof that someone other than me has viewed this blog. I can't say for sure that it's the ex-friend I've been writing about, but I suspect it's either her or one of her last remaining friends. Knowing this gives me inspiration to keep writing here, in hopes of goading enough to elicit an angry response. I think it unlikely that ex-friend could have read this without responding; she is a hothead and if she's managed to restrain herself, it has to be a major feat of self-control.

I like to think of how she reacted when she read that I took the djembe and velvet bag to the auction; no doubt she would have preferred to have them back because she thought they were special gifts. But they were gifts and mine to do with as I pleased. Hell, even if they weren't gifts I'd have had no compunction about getting rid of them. It just makes me giggle to think of her head near to exploding in fury.

The possibility that she's reading this makes me think I should keep writing shit about her just to drive her crazy. I wouldn't bother, and I'd never have started had she not provoked me by her chickenshit attempts to see and/or talk to me. You want contact? Read this, bitch. Read it and see what a joke I think you are, what a waste of a witch. Your fear of facing your darkness keeps you from having true power. Your adherence to the rede and threefold law are every bit as constraining as the Mormonism that you left behind. Your personal demons have nothing to do with your past abuse. They have everything to do with you coming to grips with it, getting past it, and finding your true strength. But your fear will never allow you to be who and what you could be. I should feel sorry for you, but all I feel is contempt. You know what you need to do, and you refuse to do it. This is far worse than one who doesn't know the way to true integrity and honor. You know the way, and you choose not to pursue it. It's made you what you are: a liar, thief, weenie witch. You deserve to question yourself and have no self-respect.

blog views

It appears that a few (very few) people have looked at this blog. I'd like to think it is some of those about whom I've written. I believe I did send them a link to this page at one time; now whether or not they remember it or ever came here, I have no idea. The initial post I wrote was intended for them to read, but, in true apathetic fashion, I heard nothing from any of them in regards to its content. I also sent them all a copy of the Oya ritual that I wrote, asking for feedback and/or comments, and heard nothing. So, in addition to the "leader" being a two-faced prevaricator, the others proved themselves to be little better in their attitude.

So if it's one or all of you reading this, I have but a few things to say to you. First, I find it funny that you don't have the balls to comment on anything I've said. Of course I would probably remove it or refute it (if I wanted to waste my time), but the fact that you can't, really makes me laugh.

Second, you'll notice the only time any of you comes to mind and inspires me to write here is when someone contacts me and I am reminded. Otherwise, I give little thought to any of you or your pathetic little machinations. As I stated in my previous entry, I feel no need nor interest in "cursing" any of you. There's no point in cursing people who are their own worst enemies. And, frankly, I didn't think you were worth my time and effort. When I am done with something or someone, I am done. That means I couldn't care less what you are doing, what little rituals you are bleating. I don't wish you well, I just wish you out of my life. You are all dead to me.

Thirdly, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't try any more tricks to bring me anywhere near you. I think our mutual friend was used by one of you in particular to try to get us to a Samhain party. I think you orchestrated it; I do not believe he would be party to it if he knew your real motives. And if you find anything else of mine lying around your house . . . keep it, donate it, or trash it. I don't want it back, and I don't want your puerile attempts to remind me that you still exist. I really don't care.

Now, if you persist on trying to contact me or draw me somewhere so you can have the "last word" or whatever it is you want to say to me, I may have to resort to some sort of magick to keep you the fuck away from me. And it won't be benign; it will be "do whatever needs to be done." That means, if you have to die to be kept away from me, so be it. Permanently maimed, so be it. Caught stealing yet again and put in jail, so be it. I'll leave it up to the gods.

Oh, keep coming here if you want to. I'll only be posting if there's been some attempt to contact me or bother me.

Teenager antics

So, this ex-friend of whom I have written found an excuse to remind me she still exists (these kinds of people always do). She came to the drive-thru window of my workplace this week -- too bad I wasn't the one who waited on her -- and gave my boss a bag with one of my books in it. It was "Women Who Run With the Wolves" that I had forgotten I even loaned her. She wrote my name on one of her "business" cards (she's supposedly selling fresh herbs), which also bears a new e-mail address. She probably changed hers right after our tiff out of fear that I would contact her -- even though I told her that last day that I had blocked her and if she had any ideas about making new e-mail accounts and harassing me, I had the capability to block 500 e-mail addresses. Knowing her, she still believes I would do something.

What makes this so interesting and pathetic is, the first thing I thought of was how a girl who likes a boy will leave something of hers in his car or apartment, like a sweater, gloves, etc., just so she'll have an excuse to call him after their date. I'll bet when ex-friend found this book among her trash (her house is worse than mine, and that's saying something), she rejoiced at the thought that it was the excuse she needed to remind me that she was still "around."

I'd love to have seen her reaction if I had been the one to come to the window. She's got a history of doing this kind of thing. She made a couple of trips to the witchy group we both left to return things to them. It's all such hypocrisy because she's not a truthful person, has no sense of obligation to any commitment she's made, and has that criminal record I mentioned previously. Yet she has to make a "show" out of returning things that don't belong to her. I'm sure glad as hell I didn't loan her that money she asked me for a few months before this all blew up. I knew even then that I'd never get it back if I gave it to her. I knew all along what sort of person she was. I guess the only reason I endured her as long as I did was that it was interesting watching the train on its route to the trainwreck. Though there were quite a few little accidents along the way that proved to be amusing enough.

Now, if I had anything of hers (and I can't think of anything that I borrowed), I wouldn't give it back. Why? Because I simply don't want any contact with her, even it was to leave it on her doorstep. She would take it as a sign of weakness, or some indication that I was thinking about her and I was having regrets. Fuck that. I do have a few things that she gave me as gifts. One was a small djembe drum which I sent to the auction to be sold, along with a small velvet bag. Neither of these things were bad in and of themselves, but they still had some of her residual energy stuck to them, and, frankly, I don't need it or want it. I have a much bigger, better drum now, and I can make myself a velvet bag (better than that one) if I feel like it.

I just find it so amusing that she's still obsessing on me and finding these subtle ways to remind me that she hasn't gone away. Typical Scorpio, though. Thinking they're so sneaky and clever and dark -- when she is scared shitless of anything left-hand. I'll bet that if anything bad has happened to her since we had our last words, she blames me for it. I'm sure she thinks I ran right out that night and asked the gods to rain down hellfire upon her. She thinks I cared that much!! Frankly, she isn't worth the effort. I have nothing to fear from her, she has no power to affect me because she is limited by her fears. Why would I bother to curse someone like that? She's making her own hell without any help from me.

Sneaky part 2

This is a follow-up to my previous post. I finally got another message from the friend who invited us to his Samhain event. He suggested the Saturday before, asked me if we were free then. As luck would have it, between the first e-mail and this most recent one, we accepted an invitation to a Halloween party that Saturday. So I was able to give him an honest answer that we had already made plans for that day. I really hate disappointing him, because he is a nice man, sincere in his beliefs, and he wouldn't have invited us if he didn't truly want us there. Still, knowing (and I have no doubt) that this other "person" would be there, I am glad that I had a real reason for declining and didn't have to lie to him.