I was thinking yesterday about the friends I spent a lot of time with when I was in my late teens and early 20s, and how differently our lives have turned out. Mainly, in the religious paths we each took. Okay, the fact that they are all pretty fervent Christians and I'm a Pagan. And I wondered, why did they go that direction, while I went another?
Their families were more "Christian" than mine was. Their parents were either fully involved in the church, or at least some of their parents were. The four of us were involved with the youth group, which had a lot of activities that weren't obnoxiously religious in overtone. It was good, clean fun and I enjoyed doing all that stuff. I was never very religious though I did go to church with them. For me, it was a social thing and having fun with friends. My parents weren't all that different from theirs other than the church-going thing. My Mom was pretty religious but she wasn't a churchy type. She read the Bible and believed, but did not think you had to go to church to be a good Christian. That bit of independence must have really rubbed off on me, because, until I realized I was a Pagan, the idea of being a church Christian turned me off. There were a few years when I did get involved in a church, with my sister, but that was actually the catalyst for me to realize I wasn't a Christian at all.
These days, they are all very into their churches. One of them is doing ministerial studies. And here I am, a practicing witch, who has eschewed everything about Christianity and consider it narrow-minded, foolish, and confining.
Thirty-plus years later, what do we have in common? Our memories, and that's about it. It would be awkward to see each other now and try to find something to talk about. One of them I think I could communicate with; she is a bit more "normal" than the others and sowed a few wild oats when she was younger. The other two, though . . too self-righteous, conservative, and narrow-minded for me.
I just find it interesting that for some reason I was the one who chose the most alternative life path, the one who broke out of the chains of Christianity and took a more difficult, personally challenging path.
I had another friend who was not part of this group; she was a piece of work. Anti-social, paranoid, low self-esteem . . . and, of course, self-righteously religious. Unlike the others, her religion was more liberal and she was (and probably still is) a liberal. I don't know why I endured her as long as I did, but that's another story. She tried to hold everyone to her standards about everything, and those who did not measure up were vilified. Her self-esteem was so low that the only way she could feel important was to find fault in others. Of course I haven't spoken to her in years, but I'm sure she'd be suitably horrified if she knew I was calling myself a witch. She would assert that there is "no such thing" and be very condescending, because that's just how she always was with me. I was a stupid bumbler who didn't know how to have any "class," and too stupid to have any proper fear about life. Meanwhile I was living my life while she lived every moment in fear: fear of God, fear of people trying to rip her off, fear of people talking about her (as if anyone cared enough to), fear of men (they're all rapists, you know), fear, fear, fear. I have little doubt that she still lives her life this way. And it's pathetic.
What I wonder is, why and how did I have friends like this, rather than people who were free-thinking and progressive? Maybe I was too young to assert myself, and it was easier hanging with them than seeking out those who would challenge me. I just had to pretend to be part of whatever they were doing and not my real self. I'm so glad I broke out of that and am no longer living a lie or playing a game.
No comments:
Post a Comment